Learning to See Beyond Judgment in Relationships
Iâve spent years helping others navigate their inner world, untangling the stories they tell themselves about love, connection, and worthiness. But like anyone on this journey, I, too, am deep in the work of healingâespecially when it comes to relationships.
Recently, Iâve been observing something painful yet familiar: my mindâs relentless tendency to judge, criticize, and tear apart someone I care about. Itâs as if there’s a part of me that cannot rest until it finds something wrong with the relationship. And if Iâm not judging my partner, then Iâm turning it all back onto myself, reinforcing the belief that I am broken or incapable of love.
This cycleâjudging others, feeling guilty, then turning the attack inwardâis exhausting. And yet, it’s a pattern many of us unknowingly repeat in our relationships.
But what if I told you that this very pattern is also reflected on the collective stage? This blog post is the first in a series that will explore the intersection between our personal relationships and the upheaval we are witnessing in the world. So many of us are working tirelessly for change, but often, the methods we use are old, ineffective, and rooted in the same cycles of blame and judgment that keep us stuck in our personal lives. We want to transform society, yet we struggle to bring peace into our own homes.
What if true change starts with how we love, how we listen, and how we navigate conflict in our closest relationships? What if healing our personal lives is the foundation for meaningful transformation on a larger scale? This series will explore exactly that.
Projection: Seeing Our Own Shadows in Others
A holistic psychology approach teaches that what we see in others is merely a projection of our own unresolved beliefs and fears. I judge my partner for any number of reasons, but at the core of these judgments is something deeper: my own discomfort with intimacy, vulnerability, and self-worth.
If I harbor a belief I am unlovable (usually but not always an unconscious belief), I will find “proof” of my unlovability in my partnerâs behaviors. If I feel insecure, I will see insecurity in them. If I struggle with self-acceptance, I will criticize every perceived flaw. My mind convinces me that the problem is out there when, in truth, it’s an inner battle.
And isn’t this the same pattern we see in our larger world? We project our inner conflicts onto political figures, movements, and opposing ideologies, believing that if we just âfixâ the external, peace will come. But peace is not imposedâit is cultivated within.
The Illusion of “The Right Relationship”
A recurring thought in my mind is that something about my relationship is ânot right.â Itâs as if there’s a checklist of conditions that must be met for love to be realâa perfect alignment of attraction, emotional response, and personality traits. But this belief is a trap. No relationship will ever feel “right” if I am constantly measuring it against an unattainable ideal or using it as a way to avoid looking at my own inner work.
This doesnât mean we should stay in relationships that arenât healthy for us. But it does mean that when dissatisfaction arises, we need to pause and ask: Is this truly about the other person, or is this about me?
The Fear of Love Without Specialness
One of my deepest struggles is trusting love without specialness. If love isnât about attraction, excitement, or emotional highs and lows, then what is it? Can I trust a love that isnât based on feeling “swept away”?
Love is not about taking or possessing. Itâs not about finding someone who fills our emptiness. It is a presence, a way of being, something we extend rather than demand. But when weâve been conditioned to see love through the lens of need and specialness, it can feel terrifying to let go of that framework.
The same applies to how we engage with change in the world. Are we trying to âfixâ society from a place of fear and control, or are we learning how to embody peace in our own lives first?
Moving Forward: A Practice, Not Perfection
I donât have this all figured out. Iâm still learning, still catching myself in old patterns, still feeling the pull of judgment and self-attack. But I know that the path forward isnât about âfixingâ my partner or trying to force myself to feel differently. Instead, itâs about:
1. Noticing the judgments without believing them. They are just thoughts, not truth.
2. Turning inward with curiosity, not self-condemnation. What is this judgment trying to show me about myself?
3. Practicing presence. Love isnât something I will find in a perfect personâitâs something I learn to embody moment by moment.
But more than this, our relationships are classroomsâoffering us daily opportunities to practice the very skills that are essential for true, lasting change in the world. Here, in the raw, intimate moments of connection and conflict, we learn patience, deep listening, humility, and the ability to see anotherâs humanity even when we are hurt or frustrated. These are the very qualities that make a real difference beyond our personal lives.
If we cannot learn to bring peace, understanding, and compassion into our closest relationships, how can we expect to create a more just and peaceful world? The microcosm of our personal relationships is where we develop the emotional intelligence, resilience, and wisdom needed to be true changemakers.
If youâve ever struggled with these same cycles in your own relationships, know that you are not alone. Healing isnât about getting it ârightâ all the time; itâs about becoming aware, making new choices, and showing up with as much honesty and compassion as possible.
And maybeâjust maybeâlearning to love ourselves and others is the key to truly transforming the world.
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If my writing resonates with you and youâre seeking support, Iâd be honored to share this journey with you.
As a holistic mental health practitioner and life coach, I offer virtual sessions worldwide. Whether you’re breaking free from anxiety, navigating a life transition, healing a relationship, or stepping into a deeper sense of purpose, I invite you to step into a space of deep transformationâone where youâll not only create lasting change but also discover a truer, more empowered version of yourself.
If youâre ready to explore what it means to show up fully in your life, letâs connect. To book a FREE 20-minute Discovery Call, click HERE.
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