I've been watching my judging mind in relationships for a long time now, and if I'm being honest, it's a busy, judgmental place. It's not a new discovery. It's a pattern I've studied in myself for years, yet I still catch myself in the middle of it almost every day.
A Moment in the Trenches
Just recently, I was having a conversation with my partner. She said something, and I detected a slight edge in her voice: a hint of defensiveness or judgment. In a heartbeat, I watched my mind catch fire. I became immediately defensive. A kind of irrational hatred began to boil because I was certain she'd done me wrong. My mind was screaming that she deserved my coldness to show her just how right I was.
Part of me actually laughed inside. I've been watching this part of my mind play these games for so long that I wasn't surprised. But knowing the game didn't stop the feeling. It still got a hold of me. My chest tightened, my breath got shallow, and for a few minutes, I was lost in the noise.
This is the crossroads I find myself at constantly. I can stay lost in the belief that she's the source of my unhappiness, or I can make the difficult choice to be brazenly honest with myself.
The True Cost of Judgment
When I'm blindly obedient to that voice of fear, the one that insists on seeing guilt in her so I can feel superior, I'm doing something terrible to myself. I'm trading my inner peace for the cheap thrill of being right. This isn't just a spiritual slip-up; it's a direct hit to my self-esteem. Every time I choose to see her as the guilty party, I'm reinforcing a world where I'm a victim, constantly bracing for the next attack. That's a heavy, lonely way to live.
I want to be clear: I'm not saying you should stay in an abusive relationship. I'm not saying people don't do bad things or that they shouldn't be held accountable. Accountability is necessary. But I'm talking about the everyday inner noise that keeps us in pain.
Fortunately, my partner and I have a practice of naming these relationship dynamics when they come up so they don't fester. The more we do this, the quicker the fever breaks. We get through the difficult moments faster and find our way back to being in good spirits.
The relief doesn't come from winning the argument. It comes from the willingness to be wrong about my judgments. When I can take a few slow breaths and remind my body that I'm safe, the noise starts to die down.
In that space, a quieter truth has room to show up. I don't have to force it. I just have to step out of the way. I start to see that the edge I heard might've been my own projection, or maybe she was just tired. Either way, she isn't my enemy. When I stop listening to the voice that demands I be right, I remember that I'm worthy of peace, and so is she.
A Moment to Reflect
Is there a self-judgment or a judgment of someone else you're holding onto right now because it feels justified? Notice the tightness in your body as you hold it. What would happen if you were willing to name that dynamic to yourself, just to see if you could find a little more room to breathe?
A Moment to Breathe
I invite you to listen to The Wind by Cat Stevens. I'm suggesting this song because it captures the feeling of letting go and allowing the wind of a deeper wisdom to carry you. By listening, you might find a moment of emotional honesty and a sense of calm that exists beneath the surface of your thoughts.
Related Resources
If you want to explore more about how to work with inner judgment and cultivate mindfulness, you might find these helpful:
- How I Can Help: Learn about my coaching and courses designed to support this work.
- My Approach: A deeper dive into the blend of practical tools and spiritual wisdom I use.
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