Gaslighting in Relationships: A Humbling Story of Waking Up
Not long ago, my partner and I were having one of those deep, uncomfortable, but ultimately healing conversations. In the middle of it, they gently told me that something I'd just said felt like gaslighting. That moment changed how I understand gaslighting in relationships, especially in a connection we both care deeply about.
I was stunned.
My first reaction was pure defense. I thought, "That isn't me. I don't do that. I'm way too conscious for that kind of thing." In my mind, a gaslighter was someone else. Someone manipulative, controlling, maybe even cruel. The idea that I could be doing that, especially to the person I love most, felt almost unbearable. It shook me.
But what I've come to see, with time and humility, is this:
Yes, I was gaslighting, without realizing it.
No, I wasn't doing it on purpose.
And no, that doesn't make me a bad person.
Beyond the Label
It turns out, gaslighting isn't always the dramatic, intentional mind game we see in movies. Sometimes, it's subtle. It's a reflex. It's what happens when our nervous system feels cornered and we push away a truth that feels too hard to face.
For me, it looked like projecting my discomfort onto my partner. I was hoping they'd change so I wouldn't have to look at something painful in myself. I wasn't trying to make them feel crazy. I was just scared and didn't know how to stay with my own vulnerability.
When I heard that word, gaslighting, I immediately felt a wave of shame. My chest tightened and I wanted to hide. But as I sat with it, I began to realize something liberating. I wasn't guilty; I was simply mistaken.
Finding the Space to Breathe
I wasn't aware I was doing it at the time, but I was trying to dodge my own discomfort by shifting the blame. It hurt my partner, but it wasn't because I wanted to cause pain. It came from a place inside me that was scared and hadn't been met with kindness yet.
There's a brief moment, just a breath, when I can feel my body tighten before I jump into a defense. If I can catch that tightening, I can pause instead of reacting. That pause is where everything changes. It's where the need to be "right" starts to lose its grip. I realized I don't have to win an argument to be safe. I can just be honest.
That honesty is what allows me to find my footing again. It's a massive relief to realize I don't have to keep up a perfect act. I'm just a human who sometimes gets it wrong, and that's okay.
A Moment to Reflect
Have you ever felt a sudden, sharp need to be right, even when it felt like it was costing you the connection? Notice if there's a part of you that feels like it has to defend itself at all costs. What would happen if you just sat with that feeling for a moment without acting on it?
If you're navigating a season where everything feels a bit shaky, you might find more help in my post on Relationship Doubt. I share more there about how to find your footing when the truth feels hard to hold.
A Moment to Breathe
I invite you to listen to Hoppípolla by Sigur Rós. The title means "hopping into puddles." I'm suggesting this song because it feels like a celebration of being human and imperfect. It has a sense of wonder and release that can help wash away the heaviness of shame.
A Human Space for the Return
You don't have to navigate these difficult relational waters alone. In my work as a holistic coach, I help people move through the shame of their patterns and find their way back to a more grounded, honest way of loving.
If you'd like to explore this together, I offer a free 20-minute Discovery Call to see if we're a good fit. You can book that on my Get Started page. You can also download my Working With Your Mind PDF to start building a shared language for your own return to steadiness.
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