Not long ago, my partner and I were having one of those deep, uncomfortable, but ultimately healing conversations. In the middle of it, they gently told me that something I had just said felt like gaslighting. That moment changed how I understand gaslighting in relationships, especially in a connection that we both care deeply about.
I was stunned.
My first reaction was pure defense. I thought, “That is not me. I do not do that. I am way too conscious for that kind of thing.” In my mind, a gaslighter was someone else. Someone manipulative, controlling, maybe even cruel. The idea that I could be doing that, especially to the person I love most, felt almost unbearable. It shook me.
But what I have come to see, with time and humility, is this:
Yes, I was gaslighting, without realizing it.
No, I was not doing it on purpose.
And no, that does not make me a bad person.
Beyond the Label
It turns out, gaslighting is not always the dramatic, intentional mind game we see in movies. Sometimes, it is subtle. It is a reflex. It is what happens when our nervous system feels cornered and we push away a truth that feels too hard to face.
For me, it looked like projecting my discomfort onto my partner. I was hoping they would change so I would not have to look at something painful in myself. I was not trying to make them feel crazy. I was just scared and did not know how to stay with my own vulnerability.
When I heard that word, gaslighting, I immediately felt a wave of shame. My chest tightened and I wanted to hide. But as I sat with it, I began to realize something liberating. I was not guilty; I was simply mistaken.
I had made an unconscious choice to avoid my own discomfort by subtly trying to shift the focus. While it caused real harm, the act was not coming from malice. It was coming from a wounded part of me that had not yet been met with compassion.
The Sneaky Ways Gaslighting in Relationships Can Look
Here is the truth we do not talk about enough: a lot of us gaslight in small, sneaky ways. This is often what gaslighting in relationships really looks like. We minimize someone’s feelings because their pain makes us feel incompetent. We deny that something happened the way they remember it because the truth makes us look bad. We try to rewrite a moment so we can feel better about ourselves.
We do not do this because we are "toxic." We do it because we are human and we are trying to survive a moment that feels threatening.
But calling someone a “gaslighter” usually does not help. It turns a behavior into an identity. It shuts down the very connection we need to heal. What we really need in those moments is curiosity. We need to be able to look beneath the surface and ask, “What is actually happening in my body right now that makes me want to deny my partner's reality?”
From Defense to Discovery
When my partner told me they felt gaslit, they were not attacking me. They were trying to express something that had been buried. They were asking for light and air. Even though their words stung at first, I now see that moment as a turning point.
We are not here to win arguments. We are here to heal. We are here to bring our unconscious patterns into the light so we can love more honestly.
Both my partner and I developed defenses long before we met. We each have filters shaped by past pain and survival strategies. For a long time, we did not even question them; we just lived through them. But love has a way of inviting us to look closer. This relationship, as challenging as it can be, is our invitation to uproot what is not real and return to what is.
Waking Up Together
We are learning, slowly and sometimes messily, how to choose kindness over attack. We are learning how to recognize when we are acting from fear instead of truth.
It is not always comfortable. But it is freeing.
So if you have ever found yourself on either side of gaslighting in relationships—if you have felt confused, blamed, or ashamed—I want to remind you that you are not alone. You are not broken. You are not beyond repair.
You are just waking up.
And in that waking, there is a real chance to shift from defense to curiosity. When we bring these patterns into the light, they start to lose their power. In their place, we make room for something much more powerful: a kind of love that tells the truth, even when it is hard.
If you are navigating a relationship where things feel confusing or "off," and you are looking for a way to move toward more honesty without the weight of blame, we can explore that together.
I offer online holistic mind and life coaching for individuals and couples who want to move past old patterns and into a deeper sense of presence. If you would like to see if we are a good fit, you can book a free 20 minute call here.
Recommended Resource:
If you are trying to understand the specific ways these patterns show up in conversation, this video offers clear examples that can help you identify the behavior without getting lost in the labels: 10 Examples of What Gaslighting Sounds Like
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