Most of us grow up learning to climb. Climb the ladder at school. Climb at work. Climb in how we look, how we love, how “together” our lives appear from the outside. We are praised for progress and productivity, so we naturally assume that more climbing will eventually deliver the safety, love, and ease we crave.
But there is a painful secret many people discover, often in the middle of a busy, full, “successful” life. The ladder they have been climbing is sinking.
In my work as a holistic mind and life coach, I see this over and over. People arrive with outwardly functioning lives and inwardly frayed nervous systems. They are kind, thoughtful, and often very capable. Yet under the surface is a constant hum of self-judgment, anxiety, and a sense that their worth is hanging on something outside of them. If this feels familiar, you are not alone. You can read a bit more about how I approach this kind of pattern on my page about Holistic Coaching, but let’s stay with the image of the sinking ladder for a moment.
Living in the quicksand of “not enough”
Imagine yourself in a pool of soft, shifting sand. There is a tall ladder in front of you that seems to lead to solid ground. It looks like success, approval, security, or finally being “okay.” You start to climb. At first, it feels hopeful. But slowly, without your consent, the whole ladder begins to sink with you on it.
In everyday life, this can sound like “If I just get their approval, I’ll be okay,” or “If I work on myself a little harder, I’ll finally stop feeling this way.” It shows up in relationships too. You may find yourself scanning for signs that people like you, need you, or are pleased with you, as if their reaction is the only proof that you deserve to be here. Research on “contingent self-worth” shows that when our value feels tied to others’ approval, our emotional life becomes fragile and our relationships often carry more tension than connection (Park, Crocker, & Vohs, 2006).
The trouble is not that we enjoy praise or want to be seen. That is human. The trouble is when our nervous system learns that we only count when we are climbing. That we are only safe when the world claps. Over time, the constant chase for external validation can quietly erode self-trust and increase anxiety, depression, and comparison, especially in a world that measures our worth in likes, comments, and output (International Journal of Research Publication and Reviews).
The neglected mind and the present moment
Most people never receive much training in how to relate to their own mind. We learn how to strengthen our bodies, maybe how to develop certain skills, but our inner life is often left to chance. The untrained mind jumps from past to future, worry to regret, fear to fantasy, often without us even noticing.
From a holistic perspective, this wandering is not just “how it is.” It is a core part of our distress. When your awareness is fused with past and future stories, it is very hard to feel the simple, grounded okayness of this moment. A large body of mindfulness research suggests that non-judgmental awareness of the present, even for short periods of time, can reduce psychological distress and improve emotional regulation and well-being (Keng, Smoski, & Robins, 2011).
In our work together, we often start by gently noticing how much time your mind spends rehearsing old pain or rehearsing future fear. Not to scold you, and not to “think positive,” but to begin building a relationship with your own attention. You can read more about this focus on calm and presence in my Calmer Mind & Inner Steadiness approach.
The present moment is not a punishment or a test. It is simply the only place where your nervous system can actually settle. It is the only place where love, connection, and real choice can be felt. When your mind is constantly chasing the next rung on a sinking ladder, you miss the ground that is already under your feet.
Seeing the false self at work
The part of you that believes you are only as good as your last achievement or your last interaction is sometimes called the “false self” or ego. It is not an enemy; it is a scared strategy. It learned, usually early on, that the safest path was to scan for what others want, try to match it, and hope that would secure love or belonging.
This “false self” is very invested in keeping the ladder in place. It whispers that if you stop climbing, everything will fall apart. It resists slowing down and noticing the present moment, because that kind of awareness exposes the illusion. Once you begin to see that this striving identity is just one thought system among others, it becomes harder for it to quietly run your life.
In our sessions, I help you begin to recognize the tone and texture of this voice. How does it talk to you after a hard day? How does it react when someone you love pulls away, or when a text goes unanswered? You can get a sense of how we explore this gently on my page about what happens in our work together.
As you learn to notice this “not enough” voice, you also begin to discover that there is another perspective available. One that is less frantic. One that is more rooted in compassion and reality. This is what I sometimes call the “right mind” or a truer self.
Finding another way off the ladder
It is natural to ask, “If I step off this ladder, what will hold me up?” From the outside, your life might look very similar. You may still go to work, care for your people, and pursue meaningful goals. The shift is in where you are living inside yourself.
Instead of chasing worth outside of you, you begin to experiment with internal validation: noticing your own efforts, naming your own values, and sensing your own inherent dignity, even when the outside world is quiet or critical. Internal validation has been linked to more stable self-esteem and healthier emotional functioning, compared with self-worth that rises and falls on external approval (Neff, 2003; see also Psychology Today on mindfulness for an accessible overview of how awareness and acceptance support this shift).
This is not about pretending you do not care what anyone thinks. It is about gradually rebalancing who gets the final say about your value. The more you practice returning your attention to your own lived sense of “I am here, and I matter,” the less power the sinking ladder has over you.
How we might explore this together
In my holistic coaching work, I draw on several simple, human practices to help you experience this shift, not just think about it.
We might use a very gentle form of meditation, not as a performance, but as a way to watch your mind and feel what it is like to rest your attention in the present. We might craft specific statements that speak directly to the part of you that feels unworthy, so that you have words you can return to in shaky moments. We might bring in short poems or lines of wisdom that resonate with your own experience, not as rules, but as reminders of your innate wholeness.
For some people, prayer feels like a natural way to connect with their deeper self or sense of the sacred. For others, the language is more secular. We find what is honest and workable for you. If you would like a sense of whether this kind of process is a good fit, you can explore my Are We a Good Fit? page or look at client testimonials.
What matters most is not the method, but the direction. Together, we are slowly shifting identification away from the frightened climber and toward the part of you that knows how to stand on solid ground.
Letting the ladder sink without you
There is a quiet, powerful moment when you realize you do not have to keep climbing. The ladder of external validation, perfection, and endless self-improvement can keep sinking if it wants to. You are allowed to step off and feel the ground of the present moment under your feet.
That ground includes your nervous system, your breath, your honest feelings, and your relationships as they are. It includes the small, ordinary ways love already shows up in your life, even when you feel far from “fixed.” It includes the possibility that you are not broken, and never have been, even if your mind has been very loud in saying otherwise.
If you are feeling the strain of trying to prove your worth, and you want support in finding another way, you can learn more about working with me and, when you feel ready, get started here. For now, it might be enough just to notice when you are climbing, and to wonder, very gently, whether the ladder beneath you is actually taking you where you want to go.
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